Why I no longer blog…
I could make claims that I just don’t have the time. That would be untrue, I have the time. Or that I am busy doing other things. That would be untrue as well. I just don’t want to. I have no desire to be clever or attempt to amuse you. I do not need your camaraderie or adulation. I do not need to know that “you feel me.” That we are some how in the same proverbial shit creek without a paddle.
See I don’t want to be the overwhelmed, hurried, frustrated, bitter housewife. I don’t want you to be either. I don’t want to be “touched out” for the day. What is that even? Too many hugs have you down. That is insane.
I know not having a piece of yourself to yourself for even a minute is frustrating. Oh I get it. But after some perspective and long thought last night I realize we don’t get it. For a moment when I was cleaning Penny’s shit off Libby’s face, I thought “I am over this.” Over what unconditional love, the laughter of a small child, that look that crosses their face when they see you. Over make believe, tickles, and the complete utter trust that you can make everything okay with a kiss. Really bring on the shit flinging. I will take the bad for the moments of good. I will take the no privacy, lack of adult conversations, and the days of no showers.
See I am getting a taste of the future. Where the hugs are gone, the belief that mommy is some sort of superhero is out the window, and laughter is replaced with sneers. I will have plenty of time alone, sooner than I think. The thought terrifies me.
When I can’t come out for drinks or dinner because Penny has the flu, don’t feel sorry for me. I am right where I need and want to be. When I flake or disappoint you, sorry my bad. But that impromptu trip to the zoo or dinner with my husband is where my priorities lie.
This blog started out as just my sounding board. It was for shits and giggles. Then life got real. I became a grown up. And man did I let that get me down. So I implore you to not spend your days searching the internet for someone who “gets it.” You are not alone, some where some one feels just like you do. There is millions of other mothers who smell as bad as you, who cleaned shit off the walls, who haven’t slept in 11 years. And no I am not saying you don’t deserve a moment to yourself. You do.
Just realize that the sacrifice of time and your body is not a sacrifice. You are making a fair, worthwhile trade. Get off Facebook, put your phone down, and turn off the TV. I am going to heed my own advice. Hug a kid, call a friend(not text), run in the backyard, read a book, steal a quickie. Anything that does not involve a keyboard or touch screen.
And if you must stare at a screen, spend it watching things like this
Skip the sad mommy blogs.