I bled my entire first trimester with Conrad. When we had our second prenatal appointment I had already prepared myself to hear the news that we had miscarried again. When we heard his heart beat I was relieved and scared. I was willing to try anything to keep him. We sought out a new OB/GYN. Took every genetic test possible. And started a 7 month journey of appointment after appointment and daily doses of blood thinners. I was a walking pin cushion filled with trepidation.
We all know the story of Conrad’s birth. The missed Percreta, the blood loss, the almost dying, the hysterectomy, and my long road to recovery. I shared my sadness, my bitterness, and my isolation. I know now that I suffered from postpartum depression and PTSD.
A year and half ago we took Conrad in to be evaluated for developmental delays. We started a new journey consisting of evaluations, specialists, more specialists, therapists, more therapists, and having to continuously answer the same questions over and over and over again. It has been trying, exhausting, and at times triumphant. We have had our hearts broken and uplifted. We have laughed and we have cried a lot.
Today was Conrad’s well check up. Today we were referred to more specialists, more programs, and yes more evaluations. We try hard to not let Autism define our son. But in all honesty Autism is our lives. It is part of every action and reaction. It affects every person in our home. We all rejoice in Conrad’s progress and we all share concern for his future. We are in the thick of it. Some days are harder than others.
I don’t know what the future will hold. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. All I can do is put the past behind us. And take each day as a new day with the potential of promise and possible failures.
The last few years have not been easy. But there is a beauty in the little things that I can not describe to you. I wish I could. I share our journey with you not for sympathy. We don’t need that. We got this. I’m a fierce mama bear. But for solidarity. Life is hard. And we are not alone. It is also a reminder to myself that I am not alone.
No man or woman is an island.