No I’m not turning 40 but my birthday is nearing and it has me thinking. My 30’s have not been especially kind to me with miscarriages, gallbladder removal, hysterectomy, and an extra 25 pounds. My 30’s have just downright blown. My sense of humor has also been in the crapper. I feel like an adult for the first time in my adult life and I don’t care much for it. Maybe my 40’s will be vastly better. Or maybe I can turn the second half of my 30’s around.

How is that even possible? I have a bad marriage under my belt and birthed 6 kids. I have teenagers! How could I have managed to keep my child like sense for so long? I don’t know but I would like it back. I literally woke up one day and could feel dread and stress. And it keeps me up at night. I’m just waiting for that first line to appear across my forehead from frowning. I know boo hoo Samantha welcome to the real world.

I have a theory though, social media. Before social media I had no clue that every other person in the world was a dick. It was all sunshine and roses. I lived in this nifty little bubble. Heck when people would happen to judge me for my appearance I was astounded, sad, and even heartbroken. Now I am no longer surprised or even bothered. Which is a bad thing. I had this belief that most people were kind. That the atrocities in the world were committed by sick individuals. But now I see hate every time I open my Facebook app. And it has me questioning humanity.

I think of my children and what this world will thrust upon them. I think of Conrad and wonder if he will ever acclimate, make friends, have any kind of normalcy. If he will be bullied or abused by others. My forehead is all scrunched up just typing this. Don’t get me wrong I have experienced incredible acts of kindness from friends and strangers. But I have also witnessed terrible wrongs. I know we all have these fears as parents. That I am not alone with this worry. But honestly before Conrad I had this notion that it all works out in the end. That my kids had a good fighting chance at an awesome life or a typical mundane one. Which isn’t so awful not everyone can walk on the moon or cure a terrible disease! But I know Conrad will struggle, that he will have to work harder. And that the world won’t always be so kind to him.

In an effort to salvage my sense of humor and keep my forehead crease free I’ve decided my life needs a makeover. I love writing, I’m going to do that more. I read a book this week and it felt great. I cut my internet browsing in half and I think I could even go with less. I traveled to another city and forced myself to interact with strangers for an entire weekend. It was scary and liberating. Though while I was gone a family of squirrels burrowed through my ceiling. I’m not taking that as a sign. I stripped my clothes off and got in front of a camera, all 145 pounds of me. I’m going to step out of my box more. And by box I mean interacting with the real world where most people are not as brazen as they are behind a keyboard.

Eventually that crease will appear from age but I have no desire to help it along. And I really just can’t afford botox!

P.S. Read Ready Player One by Ernest Cline, it is fantastic!