Dear Baby,
Your mother is starting to get very scared. You are only 3 short months away from joining me here, and things are starting to feel out of control. Of course I am excited and happy about your grand entrance into the world, but I am also scared.
Being so far from family, there may not even be anyone there to greet you when you arrive, other than your father and me. As a little baby you wouldn’t even know the difference, but your grandparents do, as well as your parents. This is a joyful moment and everyone that will be of significance in your life should be there for that moment. Also, most new moms want nothing more than their mothers at their side, reassuring them. This possibility alone is terrifying.
Being 21, I have no idea how to take care of an infant. I’ve only held one baby in my life for a total of 30 minutes. I’ve never changed a diaper, or put one on. I won’t know what to do when you wake up in the middle of the night crying other than to hold you. I don’t know how to make a bottle for you, or even how to assemble the confusing little things. I don’t know how many times I am supposed to feed you, or if I’m supposed to feed you every time you cry. And I can’t have my mom to come over to help…
Your father knows some things about babies, but he leaves so soon after you come. Which is another distressing thought. You will hardly be a month old before our little family will get split apart. And as hard as that fact is to accept, it is even harder for your father.
When I feel you kick I’m elated and always hurry to put my hand on you. But I also start to think of all these things and I feel myself becoming overwhelmed. As your mother I already want to give you the world, but I don’t even know how to just manage giving you the things you need. Having everyone tell you that you’ll learn and it’s instinct and people will help is all very nice, and most likely true, but at this point in time it is very hard to see. I have friends where we live, but they are not my mom and I could really use my mom. Maybe someday you will understand when you have children of your own.
Knowing that this little life is all yours to mold and raise and teach is terrifying. You’re not a dog that you just have to feed and walk once a day, you’re a little human being and the possibility of doing something that will have repercussions on your life and views is very daunting. When you’ll first arrive you will depend on me and your father 100 percent. For us to feed you, clean you, keep you safe. Of course I want to live up to the bill, but the question is, can I?
Every mom gets pre-momjitters, but knowing that doesn’t make it easier. I just want to be the best mom I can be so when you are finally the age to leave and make a life for yourself I don’t have to worry. I just have to be proud and wait to see what amazing things you will accomplish.
So, we may not have the easiest ride together in the beginning, but I promise to love you with all of my heart and try my best to make as little mistakes as possible. To always put your needs first above anyone else, to always let your smiles fix any bad day. To change a thousand diapers until I have it down, to become a pro at making bottles. To be your mother first and your friend second. To be able to look at you and know that I wouldn’t of changed a thing. To know that even though it may not of been the easiest ride, it was definitely worth every second of it.
I can’t wait to meet you. Just 3 more long months.
Love,
Your Mother
Please submit your stories, thoughts, pictures, rants, etc to outlaw_momo@hotmail.com
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